Dichotomy

I've always been a journal(er). Writing down my thoughts has been something I've done since before I was aware that what I was doing was, in fact, journaling. The switch from my penned journals to this keyboard could very well result in disaster. Also, I rather enjoy the act of "journaling" vs "blogging" and will continue to claim what I'm doing here is scribing journals rather than blogs. And the fact that I've now run out of things to even type is the beginning of the cataclysm of this experience.

Speaking of experience... the word "dichotomy" is the essence of my soul recently. Even the previous sentence has a polarity to it. I am in a season where, I am split in two, I can literally hear the songbirds outside my window and be thankful and awed by the beauty and serenity of nature and at the exact same time sense the dark cloud of despair surrounding the facets of my life. I am fighting myself against myself. Each moment that passes, it's as if the bell in the boxing ring goes off and I have sixty seconds to beat myself, to hear the official beat his hand on the floor claiming victory for one side. I pray that at the end of however many rounds I have to battle, I lose. You see, I don't want to win... not this battle, not this round... because if I win, then I still lose. So, maybe it's even more than just me vs. me. It is imperative that I lose, quite honestly. Me losing is the sine qua non of me winning. Let me explain: God's Word in Luke says, 

"Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.' " (9:23-24)

I've spent some time studying this passage, and there is enough meat here for a handful of comprehensive journals. First, Jesus is the one quoting this passage and Luke has lovingly taken the task of penning down the accounts of Jesus' life, ministry, death, resurrection, ascension, disciples, etc... You should really read Luke for the whole gist--it is truly a heroic tale of grand, the grandest even, measure. Back to this passage, He is non-discriminatory when He says, "If anyone would come after me" He's speaking not only to who could physically hear Him say this, but to you and me and our great-great-great grandparents and our great-great-great grandchildren and so on, ANYONE that would be a follower of Him. "He must deny himself..." Literally, separate yourself from yourself, (hence my dichotomy). Disown yourself, Christianity is not merely an "add-on" to my life, it IS my life. It is laying down my life and following His Way of life. As He moves onto, "...and take up his cross daily..." this passage is so much more than what our culture has made it into. The severity of this command is daunting. We associate "cross" with burdens, pain, worry, stress, etc... and that is a part of it yes... but if we look at the word "cross" and the meaning it has when used at the time in the year Jesus used it, it is a little more horrifying. The cross in Jesus' day meant what Jesus' experienced on His last day on earth. He isn't talking about a mere burden or trial or difficulty. He is talking about death. As a condemned person is to carry the crossbeam to his own cross, we are to carry our own "cross" and DAILY lay it down. 

The good news... we get to lay it down at His feet. He gets---no He LONGS to carry our cross for us. I believe I've spent too much time carrying my own cross each day, I want to give it to the One who has the experience of carrying a cross, the One who has successfully won ALL the rounds, battles, and wars already. It is essential, vital, pivotal, whatever other adjective you want to throw in there for intensity purposes, that I lose---for when I lose, He wins-in me, and the next time the battle starts and the despair starts to suffocate me, I can remember the songbirds outside my window, think of this passage, take a deep breath and say, "Thank You, Abba."