light switch

I was going to wait until tomorrow night to post this, when I had more time and wasn't so tired and my eyes didn't hurt from reading emails all day; but when the Holy Spirit says write, you write, right? Right.

It all started with a song... 

L- is for the way you look at me

O- is for the only one I see

V- is very, very extraordinary and

E- is even more than anyone that you adore

I asked God a question one day... the question was, "Father, do I love?" Now, that looks silly and when I say it out loud, it sounds even sillier... but as I read, "Not a Fan", one of the most Godly men I know talked about the love we need, the love we MUST have for Jesus-I couldn't help but wonder if I really love. Is my heart so hardened that the way I think love is, isn't even close? Am I even capable of this love? Thank God with Him I am. I asked God to blow the doors right off my heart, I desire to love with such abandon.


What is love? How do you love? How do you know when you're in love and how do you know what you love? These may seem like silly questions, but really think hard. It may just be me, but sometimes I read about the declarations of love in the bible to Jesus and for God and I wonder if I'm missing something. Did I miss that day in Sunday School where Mrs. Betsy Wallace explained exactly how to love Jesus like Mary Magdalene and Paul did. *I actually missed a lot of Sunday School, but that's neither here nor there...* But I had a shocking realization that I really do not get love. I SAY I love lots of stuff, like crunchy peanut butter and Jason Bateman's humor and Colgate Toothpaste and Maroon 5 but, really? I've told one dude, "I love you" and thought I meant it... I moved across the country and spent a lot of time, energy, and money investing in the "relationship"-but I've come to realize that what I thought was "love" was really me being a "passionate control-freak". I thought I loved my brother unconditionally, but when he was deep in pain and needed my help, where was I? I think I "love" my family, but when I get a phone call or text with how bad it is in Michigan-I can sometimes ignore it, pretend it's not that bad, it's all an exaggeration. Now I'm not blaming myself for bad stuff that happened or saying that I'm completely heartless (I'm not, God really has blown the doors off my old Grinch-sized organ and it's swelled quite considerably), I'm just putting together the puzzle pieces of my life. What scares me is that I, Carissa, have a switch and it's not one of those electric box switches in the basement that only needs to get flipped when a nasty storm hits, or when you have your blow dryer going, straightener on, radio plugged in and blasting, and phone charging all at once and you blow a fuse (who would guess that would be the result?). No, I'm talking about the light switch that gets flipped quite often. My switch doesn't need much to go off and on. My life for almost 23 years was a progression of building up walls around my heart. It's like a fortress built on an island guarded by a nuclear forcefield. The instances of my life thus far have taught me to bury, mask, and ignore "feeling". I'm not proud of that, and I'm not proud of my switch. My switch means I'm not trusting the Holy Spirit to move and work.
Jesus says the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. [Matthew 22:37-38]

Love is a choice, an action word. Love is crazy... I want my life to be centered around a love for Christ that tsunamis over those around me. I'm committed to doing this love thing and it being more than something Frank Sinatra sang about and more than the title of a 50's TV show with Ricky Ricardo.
I'm committed to (God willing) love the man I meet at the end of an aisle one day.
I'm committed to (God willing) love the child(ren) God gives me.
I'm committed to loving my life exactly where God has me.
I'm committed to love baby. It won't be pretty all the time, but I'm committed to love enough to wash Jesus' feet with my tears in front of all the "whose-who's" and even when I'm alone. Society has degraded love for use as a "one-up'er", you know what (and who) I mean... You tell someone you love to play Angry Birds, they respond with they love, LOVE to play Angry Birds.

Love isn't casual, love isn't "I love Frank's Red Hot Buffalo Sauce" or "I love that color on you, it's fabulous!" or even "I love the way I feel after I get a back massage"... No, love is dirty, love is risky, love is dangerous. Love is costly, love means surrender, love means pain, love is uncomfortable, love is dependence. But if you do it right, love will make you freer than you've ever been, love will bring a smile through your tears, a depth to soul, a richness in life that can't be earned or traded on Wall Street, a sense of security in the midst of walking across a rope bridge over the Grand Canyon. Love allows you to breathe deep and not hold your breath. Love sometimes feels like you've got 1,000 balloons lifting you into the sky, and love sometimes feels like you're diving off a cliff 1,000 feet above the water. But no matter how hard your heart beats, you feel it. That's why it is the most important treasure, because that's when you feel.
My heart was on and off like a strobe light party and the electric bill was pretty expensive for me to pay for. But when I asked Jesus into my heart, He gave me a house-warming present; free electricity! And by God's grace; He has been breaking down walls and flooding my heart with His love.  It can get little shaky and sometimes it still gets shorted ... but my finger is off the switch now.

Bottom line: God's a way better landlord than I am.